A dangerous thing that can happen is when you over-identify with your kids. Like being the overbearing sports-parent that pushes their kid to succeed because you see it as an extension of your success. I think every parent runs into this to some degree. I have to remind myself they are different people with their own wants, needs, values, and criteria for what "success" means to them. Not an extension of myself.
Yet it's hard to balance avoiding over-identifying with the "I want to keep you out of obvious danger". Like "Don't go 200K in debt for a poor college education" or things like drug and alcohol usage at too young an age. The downside risks for some of these things are huge.
If you have any resources on how to manage anxiety please bring them on. My old son has a mild development impairment, I am the sole bread earner, and we have no family support (we live abroad).
Honestly, one of the biggest tools I think is in-person school. Which lets the kids get their own space and cultivate their own lives away from parents in a supportive place. Sadly that's been taken from us until Covid is resolved. It multiplies the anxiety quite a bit for everyone: kids & parents. It's hard for us not to be overbearing to our 9 year old about virtual school. It's hard on him, and he's frustrated. It's hard on us because it's time consuming...
Other than that, I strongly believe in paying well for good childcare and babysitting so you can take breaks.
I also believe in sharing your passions with your kids, and focusing on quality time rather than quantity or things that don't interest either of you. This can be surprising. My kids love camping, which surprised me. I love camping - my wife doesn't. My kids are meh on coding, they do it, but it doesn't grab them like it grabs me...
Focus your career choices carefully as your time on them is limited. I have found having kids, due to time crunch, has caused me to really focus more on what I really care about from work. Don't let others take advantage of you to do BS work, focus on what you want to do on a day-to-day basis that's fulfilling for you if you're able. I think sometimes parents fall into the trap of only focusing on $$ when really it's a good idea to focus on how much value you yourself are getting out of your more limited time investment
* A dose of magnesium l-threonate in the morning and before bed
* A dose of magnesium glycinate in the morning and before bed
* A dose of black seed oil in the morning and at night
If you did a hair mineral analysis test, I assure you, you would most likely be magnesium deficient. The body needs magnesium in order to deal with stress. Anxiety is stress.
The deficiency wreaks havoc on the nervous system. Take a HMAT from Analytical Research Labs if you want to be 100%. You'll have to find a practitioner.
I've done years of therapy. But getting my basic nutrients in order, made an immediate impact and has had a much bigger difference in treating my anxiety.
Talk to somebody. A licensed professional would be best, but a significant other or trusted friend will work too. You have to get your thoughts out into the real world so you can process them. Journaling helps with this. Also, focus on your well-being. Make sure you're getting enough exercise, take up yoga, find a productive hobby, etc. If you have a significant other, make sure you stay communicative. As a parent it's easy to sacrifice your well-being for the sake of the family, but the family will work best if you're healthy.
Hang in there! It's absolutely worth all the effort, and things will likely turn out far better than you may think.
I strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist or counselor of some sort - even after just a few chats they can arm you with some really great tools.
For managing the anxiety of life generally and parenting specifically, religion has been very helpful for me. If you're not into that, maybe find something that strengthens the big picture & long term view of things.
I'm tying (unsuccessfully) to get sleep, and I'll try magnesium supplements too. I already spoke about this but never got solutions, and at this point it feels almost even worse every time.
Everyone's talking like they're worried about their kid not turning out like them, or that they'll accidentally vicariously live their life through their kid, or that their kid won't be emotionally equipped to be an adult.
I'm worried that the planet will be inhospitable to human life, and that my kid will have to scramble for rat corpses in the shadows of collapsed skyscrapers.
Me too. Should I push them to win the shitty meritocracy tournament like I did? Or should I encourage them to follow their dreams and perhaps be more fulfilled? I'm leaning toward the latter.
I don’t know what fulfilled means, but my priority is to equip them with the abilities needed to shelter, feed, and otherwise obtain necessities for themselves.
Which, for many people, ends up being participating in the “meritocracy tournament” to secure cash flow. But I let them know what the rules and parameters of the game are, and possible consequences of various actions. After that, it’s up to them to figure out their goals.
To put it another way, should I be like the infamous Tiger Mom and push my child to conform and get straight As, potentially with dire consequences, or should I develop her interests organically, hoping that they’ll find an unconventional path, fully knowing that they’ll be less likely to have a comfortable life? It’s a dilemma for me.
I think there’s a happy medium between Tiger Mom and a hippy parent that doesn’t instill survival skills.
You don’t need straight As and 3 extracurriculars to earn money, but you also can’t explore your interests all day and follow your passion to secure your family’s future.
I would try to suss out what kind of life they want. If they want to jet set and have fancy things, they need to do the things that get them high pay. If they’re okay clocking in and out and going home without stress and maximizing enjoyment in 20s, maybe do a trade or something. If they don’t care about having roommates for the rest of their life and what kind of school district their kids are in, then they can study art or do whatever they feel like.
They should also be made aware that their potential mates will be affected by their lifestyle choices as well.
One of the most important things I feel is to make your child ready for the real world (and not only in terms of education, values, profession, etc) but more from mental make-up:
My daughter is now 3.5 years old, but I can't say I experienced the same. I believe the future of my daughter is bright.
I guess your anxiety could be based on the location where your living? I believe my daughter will be able to find plenty of great opportunities in her life and I'll be able to give her a very nice start compared to most people around where I live (Thailand).
I have to admit I am also not worried for things like covid and climate change, so if these things worry you a lot, I guess that might be part of your anxiety.
I'm not sure if my explanation would be fruitful here. I realise most people on HackerNews likely disagree with me on these issues. I am not here to convince people of my views on these issues. I respect anyones opinions on these matters.
But since you asked, in short:
- I really don't believe COVID-19 is as dangerous as is projected in the media
- I believe the human influence on climate change is much less than what most people tend to believe
My views are based on my own research on these issues.
If you'd asked me what issues I'm worried about, it's issues like pollution in the general sense (e.g. like plastics in the sea) or human population growth.
> - I really don't believe COVID-19 is as dangerous as is projected in the media
Well, it's obviously not very dangerous, on a medium or long term. The Black Plague had a 40% mortality rate, SARS about 20%, etc. A virus with a 1-2% mortality rate won't bring society down, obviously.
The media machine needs nourishment and they tend to exaggerate things.
However Covid-19 is still a big deal. If it runs its course unchecked ~50-80 million of people could die. That's a lot of pain and suffering, the likes of which the world hasn't had in at least 60 years.
> - I believe the human influence on climate change is much less than what most people tend to believe
This, I don't think anyone can justify. Maybe the climate warming estimates are overblown, ok, but human influence is undeniable and worst of all, we have no control over it and little visibility. It's like physics and closed systems, humanity is an open system and we're leaking pollution everywhere. Any way you cut it, that can't be good or sustainable. And there are so many of us that we definitely have an impact on the world. For example the Great Pacific Garbage Patch (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Pacific_garbage_patch). And these things will only become worse as we will have 3x - 4x as many people living in industrialized countries (4 billion people or more).
> - I believe the human influence on climate change is much less than what most people tend to believe
I disagree with this with a resentment towards someone saying its a research based view. Putting that aside, however, why would believing climate change isn't human influenced would make things more palatable? In the vaguest sense, that sounds to me like it would be worse, because then we can't possibly do anything to halt it.
People with your perspective shouldn't be downvoted when merely being asked their honest opinion. It really goes to show the state of both HN and intellectualism in general.
I feel the same. All evidence points to Covid being far less dangerous to children. There are so many other things that are more likely to harm them. As far as climate change, I am worried in general, but I don't think there is anything specific about it that would harm her future. We live in Canada. There will be problems, but we will adapt and figure something out.
My parents lived through the most intense portions of the Cold War. The world could have ended at any moment. That is much more anxiety producing than climate change. And yet they made it through ok.
Honestly, a big concern is how my daughter will deal with things like social media. Young girls are self harming at unheard of rates. Depression and anxiety are through the roof. I don't know how to deal with this.
Covid is about as bad as the flu for kids. Certainly wouldn't want it, but its not the end of the world.
The worst consequences of climate change won't fall on Middle Class Americans, it'll fall on people who cannot afford to move, rely on subsistence farming, etc. Maybe Miami and New Orleans don't exist in 2100. But cities like Chicago were founded and became large cities in under 80 years.
And I'm pretty sure cities like Miami will just slowly recede inward rather than pack it all up.
The way I look at it is that I need my kids to be super smart, hard working, and principled to help extricate humanity from the hole it's currently digging itself into. I can think of many ways the future could suck more than the present, but in none of these scenarios will it be better off without my children, assuming I raise them well.
You know, I've had some bouts of that but I talked myself out of thinking too far into the future. Our children are better off if we don't have anxiety, if we are present and somewhat confident. I am aware the situation is not good but it really won't help at all by being anxious.
I experienced the same. I wound up changing my whole life because of it. Wound up quitting a career, getting involved in IT, going back to college, getting straight As when I had always flunked out before, found myself in an honor society, got recommended for tree internships within the past couple of months. Literally changed my life. Makes me think I should have had a kid sooner.
