The most important thing in the world is leverage.
And shame can make for some pretty powerful leverage.
I’m a hyper critical individual especially when it comes to myself. If I didn’t work to avoid shame, it’s very likely I’d be a lot more miserable and a lot less successful.
> If I didn’t work to avoid shame, it’s very likely I’d be a lot more miserable and a lot less successful.
Ok, I am not going to say that is incorrect or anything; you know you far better than any internet strangers.
I would say that having a motivation which is based on avoiding negative outcome rather than being drawn towards positive outcome is by definition an unhealthy motivation, and that's my point about shame. It does work, it brings success, it brings money, and so on, and deep down, every last person motivated primarily by aversion to negative outcome is going to be very unhappy in their core. Those people know that just a small number of honest mistakes will bring failure and those feelings of shame, even if the source of the shame is completely internal and the mistakes that got them there trivial.
These people are not happy. Not really; they are only going in the correct direction because the bad direction is artificially acutely punitive, far more than it would be on its own.
Western culture does not recognize this very well at all; we are a results-driven society. In public, we openly scorn parents shovel shame onto their children, and the parents learn (via shame from the public) that they should simply do this privately, rather than openly. Shame begets shame.
Fear of failure should never be a stronger motivator than the desire to succeed.
What's the difference between wanting to be fit, and not wanting to be fat? Wanting to be rich, or not wanting to be poor? Yet you're calling one healthy, and the other one producing unhappiness.
the motivation is either good or bad, and that matters a lot.
this isn't a door which can be pushed from one side or pulled from the other to achieve the same result. motivation and the reasons you are doing something matter. a lot.
imagine you are a slave working a field so you can eat, vs a farmer working a field so you can eat. do you really believe there is no difference? the difference is effectively infinite.
If your countrymen allow you to make it to a "600lbs life" without abject comment, then they have done you a disservice; certainly you're bound to feel more shame and discomfort dealing with being in that state.
Everyone on my mother’s side of the family are obese. Extremely obese. They all told me that it would happen to me due to genetics. They never mentioned their sedentary lifestyles or the packs of cigarettes or the 2 liters of soda they consumed each day.
I was so ashamed of them growing up that I was motivated to never allow myself to become that way.
that's not shame, that is positive reinforcement via negative example.
shame is something put upon you, and not a decision you make on your own.
breaking the cycle you were in is no small feat; please do not misunderstand. what you did was difficult. I would not say that you were shamed into doing it, by what you've said.
shame is a fantastic motivator and holy cow is it one of the most caustic things ever to the recipient's psyche.