Mushrooms are pretty easy to grow btw. If it was the difference between me feeling depressed or not I certainly wouldn't be relying on spotty supply.

I live in New Zealand - I can't afford land.

The only possibility for getting around the seasonalilty is growing indoors - and I really don't have the space for that.

Depression for me has caused me to spiral down - so far down that there's no apparent path back up.

I've been down and out for so long that even finding work is damned near impossible - so I can never even get to the point where renting my own place is feasible.

I was on SSRIs many years ago. I don’t recall feeling any better or worse, with them. I was also on other things with larger risks that’s thankfully didn’t materialize. But again, didn’t feel like they did anything.

Unfortunately psychedelics I’ve tried just up anxiety and paranoia. My last experience had me crouched up on the couch alternating between sweating and chills, hating the time dilation and just waiting it out.

I want to die too...

More than I want to die, I want not to be a part of the omnicidal stupidity that seems to define humanity.

I really do want not to die, and I see a viable path forward with that as a result.

An illegal and seasonal path.

I last took a dose in July, and those malignant fucking thoughts are returning.

And nurses keep telling me that psilocybin clearly has not worked (all the while advocating a pill a day, pill a day, pill a day).

If you see a drowning man take a gasp of air, and the keep right on drowning that does not mean that the air did not work.

The system is fucked - but try not to let it eat you.