The article makes it pretty clear that relationships and marriage take the place of friends, especially for men. 30 is also that sort of point where women who haven't had kids already think "uh oh, better soon than never". I can see the downvotes coming already for speaking on behalf of women, but I have more female friends than male ones and the number 30 is universally dreaded for the reason I describe. Well, then there's the looks factor which, take it how you will, but society generally views that age as "the wall". So by that point, you'd better have found your partner in life. If that's one's goal, and it is for most people, are you going to expend your energy finding more friends or are you going to expend it towards finding a "life-long" mate?
I'm nearing 30, and I'd say over 90% of my friends have significant others. Long-term relationships significantly changes a person's behavior; the concept of friendship gradually shifts towards "How can I include my SO in this?" If we go to the movies, it's gotta be a film that he/she is going to like, and they don't like scary movies so that's out of the question now. Maybe your existing friends you've still got around will tolerate this, but new friends aren't going to do everything that your SO wants to do. With my guy friends especially, everything now revolves around what their SO wants to do even when their SO actually permits us to go off and do guy things. I think this happens to most people, though, and I would be no exception if I was in a relationship. As the article states, good luck if you are trying to make friends with another couple. Chances are at least one person in that party isn't really interested in the friendship.
Putting aside that constraint, however, I haven't had that much difficulty making friends at my age. I think a lot of people figure out that most people aren't worth their time, thus friends really don't provide all that much. As long as you've got a couple good friends who have your back even if you haven't talked in months, you're golden. If you're in a relationship with someone, the even less you need the company of others.
People also get dull by the time they're in their 30s. They spent so much time working and relationshipping that they lost a lot of imagination and didn't really expand their horizons as much as their Instagrams would suggest. I'm not saying this is a permanent state, but a doldrum that happens after a person has spent so much time ticking off the boxes of things they're supposed to accomplish. That's what tunnelvision can do to a person. It's definitely possible to get out of it, which is probably why my few real friends are either in their early-to-mid 20s or past 40.
30 universally dreaded, and people dull over 30? That's unfortunate. You only get to spend 10 years as a 20-30 year-old, which is only 1/8th or so of a typical human lifespan.
I lost a good chunk of my friends when I had kids, they just stopped talking to me or stopped inviting me to things because they figured, I'm a family man now. That's true to an extent, but I'm not a family man when I'm at work, I'm not in Dad mode when I hang out. I since made new friends, some married, some not, some with kids, some not. Various ages and career ranges.
They also got married, and fell into that spouse politics trap (if our wife or significant other don't like each other or click), we can't hang out, ever. I most of my friends I don't even try to make our spouses meet, except through happenstance, and even then, it doesn't matter since 95% of the time we're doing something, its out with friends, and we only have a few friends where we'll do something with their spouse.
Some tried to get in contact when they had kids but quite frankly, I've moved on.
> As long as you've got a couple good friends who have your back even if you haven't talked in months, you're golden
This is very true. I had a longterm, and at the time I thought "rest of life", relationship break down in my early thirties and looking back it has been a change for the very best. I 100% agree about the "wall" at the year 30 mark (she was also around that age and I can't help but think she had a crisis of thought about "is this 'it'?"). I was very much feeling that and it was creating a combined sense of excitement and sheer terror. Throughout all of this was a handful of my own friends, of which I see one regularly and the rest sporadically (from months to years even) - but I never once felt "lacking" in friendship.
I've definitely seen the pattern you describe many times.
The couple that manages this best is one where Sun--Wed is single friends time and Thurs--Sat is couples friends time. Probably not for everyone but this seems to work remarkably well for them.
I'm 33, and my experience has basically been the same as the GP.
Past a certain point, you never see your friends again unless they're accompanied by their SO, and once they have kids, their lives revolve around their kids and nothing else.
And I'll always remember the culture shock when I a new job where my coworkers were mostly in their 30s while my coworkers at my last job were all in their 20s. Office conversations at the new company mostly centered on the logistics of taking out a second mortgage, debates over what kind of grass to put in their yards, and talk of what their children are up to. I was 30 at the time, and I decided then and there that these were people I had nothing whatsoever in common with, and if this is what I have to look forward to as I get older, I don't really want a social life anymore.
That does not sound like they don't have friends, that sounds like they talk about what is current or important for them with their friends in the office.
Oh no, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry if I worded my post poorly.
I meant that the kinds of conversations that typical 30-somethings have are conversations that starkly remind me that people my age and older by and large aren't people I identify with.
I'm nearing 30, and I'd say over 90% of my friends have significant others. Long-term relationships significantly changes a person's behavior; the concept of friendship gradually shifts towards "How can I include my SO in this?" If we go to the movies, it's gotta be a film that he/she is going to like, and they don't like scary movies so that's out of the question now. Maybe your existing friends you've still got around will tolerate this, but new friends aren't going to do everything that your SO wants to do. With my guy friends especially, everything now revolves around what their SO wants to do even when their SO actually permits us to go off and do guy things. I think this happens to most people, though, and I would be no exception if I was in a relationship. As the article states, good luck if you are trying to make friends with another couple. Chances are at least one person in that party isn't really interested in the friendship.
Putting aside that constraint, however, I haven't had that much difficulty making friends at my age. I think a lot of people figure out that most people aren't worth their time, thus friends really don't provide all that much. As long as you've got a couple good friends who have your back even if you haven't talked in months, you're golden. If you're in a relationship with someone, the even less you need the company of others.
People also get dull by the time they're in their 30s. They spent so much time working and relationshipping that they lost a lot of imagination and didn't really expand their horizons as much as their Instagrams would suggest. I'm not saying this is a permanent state, but a doldrum that happens after a person has spent so much time ticking off the boxes of things they're supposed to accomplish. That's what tunnelvision can do to a person. It's definitely possible to get out of it, which is probably why my few real friends are either in their early-to-mid 20s or past 40.